Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Statics CC

A late admin frenzy involving the Club Cricket Conference (Footscray phoned on Friday to say they only had 8 players) saw Eltham hastily arranging a fixture with the Statics. Eltham go down as Medium Weak in the Conference, and amazingly so do the Statics. The match that followed proved the point that the gulf in quality between the two Clubs is higher on the pitch than it seems on paper.

As usual with any match against our statistical friends, a scheduled 1pm start turned into something quite different, with Statics players arriving from all corners of England (well, Bristol) and at vastly different times. Indeed, one of their players arrived, a la Dickie Bird, before the gates had even been unlocked by Ray! Keen as mustard at least.

Well, the delayed start at least gave the assembled Eltham players a chance to do some fielding routines in the glorious sunshine. Some of the catches before the start of the game reminded your correspondent of Jonty Rhodes, Paul Collingwood, and, yes, Nelson's Column. Some of us don't move quite as fast as we used to you know. Andy's new gloves looked fetching, and an array of sparkling white footwear was on display (though Matt was later seen to be changing into his older boots, heaving a sigh of relief, and declaring "Aaah, like a comfy pair of old slippers!"

On to the match, if I can be so bold as to call it that. The toss went as expected, with Matt losing. In an ever-changing world you can rely on Matt. A quiet word to the opposition skipper, a nod and a wink, "we're very strong today", and everything would be alright, with Eltham batting first and the day set fair. Wouldn't it? Well, most of it happened like that until the opposition skipper, P Diddy, he of the famous "Gangsta Rap" appealing, said "Oh you're strong? In that case we'll bat first." Various bouts of petulance from Wouldham were not enough to change his mind. Hopefully P Diddy will have learnt from this game that, if you really are a lot weaker than your opposition, it is only fair to let them bat first, in order to give their players the chance of a game. What happened next proved this point.

What's to say about the game? Opening with Richard Mann said a lot about the Statics approach - Richard is a seasoned blocker, but not known for attractive stroke play. In this case, though, Richard was bowled second ball by a fast one which homed in on Richard's leg stump, bowling him behind his legs. Presumably this somewhat destroyed P Diddy's game plan, if Richard was there to block. P Diddy himself was out shortly after, misreading a slower-ball-disguised-as-a-full-toss, and chastising himself thoroughly on his dismissal in the traditional manner. When Richard had Hirit caught at silly mid-on by Pete Fisher the writing was not only on the wall, it was published in Wisden. A procession of wickets at very regular intervals followed.

A quick word about our newest recruits here, Tanveer and Khassif (please report spelling errors to this site, guys). Khassif is carrying less fat than a butcher's pencil, but can generate some excellent pace, and will do well this season on some of the better wickets. His bowling, although short in overs, was certainly on the money and was indeed described as top dollar, and (to be franc) on the mark - sterling work. That's what you get for really pounding in I suppose. Tanveer also has come on in leaps and bounds in the nets - but what we hadn't spotted before is a pregnant pause in his run up which leads the batsmen to believe he may have fallen asleep, before leaping into action. Tan was unlucky not to pick up his first wickets for Eltham today, bowling with pace and accuracy. Another good find for the club.

Swain picked up two wickets, both bowled, Wouldham got an LBW which clearly pained the umpire to give, and then Seeds entered the fray. After not bowling for the entire 2007 season, Derek ruined what could have been his longest spell of the year by getting a wicket with his third ball, and thereby ending the innings. 40 all out - oh dear.

Skipper Bulpitt gave his orders immediately "Asjad and Pete pad up, we'll do this in 5 overs, then have tea and a beer match!" It wasn't too different, but it did take 7 overs rather than 5, surely a fineable offence if we were on tour. a 10 wicket victory, and the urn only just boiling. Quick work chaps.

Not too much to say about the beer match. Billed as a 20/20, it was arranged that Eltham would bat first (common sense prevails at last). Khassif misread the pitch, getting bowled early doors for four (but plenty more runs to come from him we feel), but the other opener, Pete Swain, filled his boots. A quick fire 100 not out saw Pete retire in the 12th (!) over, after flaying the bowling to all corners of the ground (and indeed, Bexley). John Fisher simply kept giving the strike to Pete, a tactic which worked a treat. Bulpitt, batting in his slippers, scored a quick 35, before getting stumped off the bowling of PD, which of course caused some glee for the bowler - yes, yes, yes! 201-2 off 20 overs - not bad at all.

The Statics innings was much the same as the proper game, 37 all out this time. A highlight was an opposition batman (Jagger) totally destroying his stumps by falling over on them, giving Pete Fisher his 5th (you read it correctly) wicket. He was lucky not to be visiting Casualty for an emergency stumpechtomy from a very delicate region.

A couple of beers were quaffed at the Stables, and everyone there agreed that while cricket hadn't quite been the winner, it had still been a lovely day, and everyone had done something. Swanscombe next week should provide a sterner test.

Reporting: Colin Wouldham